Every year for the past few years, I've come to my blog (at the time) and posted my New Year's Resolutions. Every year, they change a bit but you still get some of the generic things - working out, saving money, new experiences, etc. For a few years, I really needed that.
I'm a list maker. I love them. Every day at work, I make lists for myself. I revel in the feeling of accomplishment as I cross things off. Making a list of things to do each year fed my type A personality's need to get things done.
When I was making this years list, I found myself in an odd spot. It seemed like I was adding the same key points that I'd grown fond of over the past couple of years: gym schedule, save money, travel somewhere new. They're all important and I strive to do them every year but it was the first year where I wasn't really making a new list. 2012 was a really crazy year for me. While I think I'm in a great place now - it's not without a year of moving through a lot of struggles. I'm not perfect, but for once I feel like I'm starting my year in a spot where I'm not struggling to figure out how to make myself better. Life did that pretty well on its own and 2012 was a lot of life experiences in one year.
In the end, when I got rid of all of the superfluous and repetitive resolutions, I only had one. This is going to sound really terrible and I honestly mean this in the best way, but I just want to be a little bit selfish.
Resolutions are supposed to be to better yourself or do something for others so I was torn up that I kept coming back to this... but I couldn't let it go. And then I kept thinking about 2012... why did I feel so burnt out? So I tried to pinpoint what the problem was. I realized that I'd used most of my days off to be places for other people - weddings, friends in town, family needs, holidays. I took one trip for myself.. in January. Even the days I took to study, I was worried about a friend that had gotten into some trouble. The only time I'd really said no to obligations I had, was when I was mentally and emotionally drained from dealing with a family issue.
I love helping friends, I love being there for my family, and I really really hate flaking out on plans. Then again - was doing all of those things worth not being home sometimes? Not making time for my personal well being? Most of my friends say "no" sometimes. They take time for themselves. I don't think anyone would think any less of me if I did the same sometimes.
After really thinking about it, I realized my selfish goal wasn't actually that selfish. It was being a normal person who makes balances and priorities and takes time for themselves. If I'm not doing it now - then when will I?
